New York City, the place of inaccessible dreams. Man was that a dissapointment. 

I don’t know why I thought going to NYC by myself would be liberating or inspiring when all it was was saddening. I felt lost. I didn’t know where to go to find that feeling I thought I would. I literally walked all over the city in search of a feeling. It’s pathetic, I know. But I grew up in the midwest watching movies that took place in the Big Apple and so I think that there was always this part of me that when in search of find that missing part of my soul assumed it was in the inaccessible City. Maybe I should have left it that way. There was hope. I always dreamt of traveling as a way to escape my broken home so now as an adult I still feel like that child trying to get out of my broken life. Except now I have the means to travel and when I do I realize that what I’m lacking isn’t in my location but still within me. 

I don’t know how to ever be content. 

God… that was fast. I was on such a high of life now I’ve came back to the inevitable idea that life is meaningless. At least I’m still optimistic enough to think I have a chance of finding some meaning, though. I think I can be happy. I am trying to work on the inside out, but I can’t deny my out needs some work though. I want to make my position better, obviously that will help. I need to work on my out look more. There’s something so depressing about dreaming about a mundane “9-5″ career. I don’t want a boring meaningless life. I refuse to work this hard, come this far, for shit. 

Quarter life crisis?

How does one avoid the inevitable boredom of life? Do people look forward to the 9-to-5s and 10 days of PTO a year so they can escape to some tourist packed Bahamas getaway? I can’t swallow the depressive suburban life much longer. I can literally feel my frustration boiling in my soul. I want to be rich and lazy for a living. What college major is that? 

Sometimes I just have to stop and appreciate all the amazing things I have. I know it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster, my blogs that is. I’m working my way out of a depression. But I am capable of doing great things and being a great person. I have so many opportunities that I can not even credit to my own work. I am just dang ol’ lucky. 

Not trying to rub my happiness in anyone’s face. I just hope that someone out there who is looking for some type of release, who is scouring these blog pages for some rhyme or reason will stumble upon mine and read my stories. I am no majestic voice of insight, I am a normal person with feelings that are completely normal. Times pass and times change.

Things will and always do, get better. 

Why are my friends so shitty? Seriously. The kind that only call you when they need something but yet will flake on you when you need them. It’s very disappointing. There was time when I had a bajillion “friends” and when I decided to simplify my life I narrowed my friend list to a select few. I tried being a reliable friend who kindly heeded to any request. Perhaps, like in a romantic relationship, I’ve made myself too available. I just wanted to be the type of friend I craved. 

I was recently posed the question, “is there anyone you can trust completely?” The answer is no. This realization makes me feel very lonely. Even after being a dependable person and making the sacrifices I have for certain people I know that most of the time, they will not be there when I may need them. 

I do have one friend, the sensitive insecure friend of mine, who I can call on. But this is probably more due to the fact that she is easily pressured and not her level of loyalty to me. I’ve decided to stop inviting the flakes in my life out and stopped answering their calls. I wonder how long it’ll take for them to acknowledge my absence, if they do.

 

What type of person am I that no one wants to be my friend?

Do you remember when you were a kid and you’d go to the amusement park with your friends and everyone was like super excited to go on the HIGHEST roller coaster and when you finally climbed those steps and looked down you felt your stomach drop and palms start to sweat? Remember? Then you’d contemplate all the excuses you could make to get back down so you wouldn’t have to ride but you knew that everyone would know it was just because you were scared so you went on with the ride anyway to avoid being called a pansy? Yes, well… I’m in a similar predicament. Taking 15 credit hours this semester while still holding down my 9-5 seems like it’s really not going to be a comfortable ride. What. Have. I. Gotten. Myself. Into?

 

SELF REFLECTION TIME

I had passively decided to learn to play the guitar. I had this vision of me learning to play and eventually learning to play some of my brother’s music he wrote. I would be having a party and I’d pull out his guitar and start strumming one of his musical notes and everyone would stop and listen. It’ll be a grand melody with some deep meaningful lyrics and will inspire some philosophical thinking in my guests. When I finish playing someone is going to ask me, “Where is that song from? I’ve never heard it.” To which I look them straight in the eyes and reply,”Oh that? That is my dead brother’s song that we wrote” and everyone will be amazed by me. Yup. True fucking story. That’s the shit that I day dream about. I dream about exploiting my brother’s death and hard work to gain attention. I’m so ridiculous I make myself sick.

Hello, world! It’s me again. I’ve been a busy little bee lately. I do apologize that I haven’t been around to dump my irrational feelings and thoughts upon you with the hopes that someone equally as crazy will agree and make me feel better about myself. Anywho…

I’ve been awfully chirpy lately. I can’t really put my finger on what changed but man oh man… life is kinda great, huh? Perhaps it’s because I can see some kind of light at the end of this tunnel. I pay my auto loan off next month and that will allow me to loosen my tight budget, giving me some breathing room. I will finish my associates degree this year (this fall but technically considered this year). After that I work on my bachelor’s while attending the ROTC program graduating with no debt (fingers crossed) and a prospective career. I have been working out and will complete my first 5k next month. I am coming to terms with the fact that I will not get along with everyone and that is not a reflection that there is something wrong with me but that it is not normal to be liked by everyone. I’m totes o.k. with that. I am making it a daily ritual to point out things in my life that I am grateful for, and be freaking grateful for them. 

Over the weekend me and a couple friends drove to the Mexico border (15 hour drive) and then I walked over into Cd Juarez. Twas not a pretty sight, I tell you. I only stayed a short while but a while enough to realize how lucky I am to be where I am. It’s weird how those little things can truly change your perspective. 

I can’t tell if I’m in love.  I love my boyfriend. I care about him. I want to do good things for him. We get along. We laugh. We share common interests. But we never have in depth conversations about important subjects. I’ve never felt that our love life has been anything but hurried. I can not count once when I’ve felt we’ve actually “made love”. I do not know what it is that keeps us together. The fact that we don’t want to kill each other? The fact that we can be good partners?

Is the idea of romance just that? An idea? Is it childish of me to want to be excited about love and our future? We’ve been together almost two years, we’ve lived together for over one year, we’re pretty serious.

Perhaps I’m just bored.

Insecurities

What does it mean to be insecure?

A friend of mine often confides in me her insecurities. She tells me how often she compares herself to me. I have even noticed her starting to mimic the way I speak and dress. It’s cute, sure, but it’s awfully pathetic. This person who I admire is so desperate to not be herself, it saddens me. I look at myself and wonder what on earth could she envy?

I think I am pretty great, don’t get me wrong, but I can step back and honestly point out “flaws” that I have. Not the kind that I think about constantly and obsess over but flaws like my maybe-too-big-for-my-face nose, my cleft chin, pudgy stomach, and slightly crooked teeth. These are things I know about myself that are not perfect and which I do not care to beat myself up over. I do not think that me acknowledging them makes me insecure, but instead honest. So what does it mean to be insecure then? If I were to change these about me to make myself feel better, am I insecure? Or does leaving them and thinking these things about myself make me insecure? I consider myself a confident person because I do recognize I have flaws and will recognize that EVERYONE has flaws and yet I still do not limit myself by these things. 

And then again I think everyone is insecure to a point. I think that everyone doubts themselves and their opinions. If you were to go up to most people and tell them that green is the most beeaaauutiful color ever and is the best color they may start to believe it. A person will usually need to know that people agree with their opinions before they think it’s right so it’s easy to agree with others opinions because you want to think they know what they’re doing. Am I making sense here? If a woman walks in the door like she’s the hot shit people are going to start to believe it. If she has so much confidence that she is in fact, THE HOT SHIT, she must be right. After all… what do I know?

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My boyfriend’s grandfather died during Thanksgiving dinner. It was definitely shocking. He was old and sickly. People keep saying how “pleasant” of a way it would be to go, surrounded by family and all. Being part of that family I don’t know if that is the way I wanted to see him go though.

I had an anxiety attack yesterday. Not sure what brought this one, maybe just the stress of trying to cram in all this schoolwork within the last week or the funeral stuff. I woke up so anxious I wanted to vomit. By mid-morning I couldn’t keep focus and at one point I felt this WOOSH in my head (for lack of a better explanation) and I felt the sensation I was falling. I gripped on tight to my desk and tried to keep myself still. Afterwards I felt fine, even the anxiety eased. On my lunchbreak I went to the whole foods and got another bottle of 5HTP and will be starting on that again. The Cucumerin just isn’t working.

I won’t be drinking for a while. I say that often but I truly think I am just going to be so busy as my sister is having a fatherless baby and I have been selected to be an honorary parent of sorts. This could be good for me.

I came to a new realization yesterday while trying to cope with my jealousy. As it turns out, I’m a very jealous person. I now know that just because someone likes someone else, in a platonic manner and perhaps, it doesn’t mean they automatically like me any less. In fact, if they don’t like me, it’s because they just don’t and not that they’re choosing one over the other.